I'm More Special Than Any Of Them Could Imagine!

I can hardly type right now because I am laughing so hard! In my mail today, addressed to me and at my current address, I received a double-sided, three-page, typed, single-spaced letter in a business envelope with the trim around the edges that reminds me of the old airmail envelopes, no return address but with DOMESTIC FIRST CLASS stamped on it.

I have to share it with you. Although I knew it was junk mail I had to open it, and the very first paragraph that met my eye, before even the proper heading of the letter, told me it was very special junk mail. Below I have reproduced some of the letter in italics -- my comments in bold, not italicized.

"Lori, please forgive us, but we have just taken a closer look at your profile. It turns out you're more special than any of us imagine! Okay. I have a profile and they have not only looked at it but have now taken a CLOSER look at it? I wonder where they got this profile. Did you know that you possess some very rare, hidden traits? In fact, there is a famous person (someone you would instantly recognize, he's on TV every night) who possesses these same special, incredibly rare traits. That scares me a bit, because I can think of a few people who are on TV at night who possess "special" traits, but I certainly hope I don't share those traits with them. ...It turns out that people who possess these same rare and often hidden traits that you do are some of the most famous and successful people on this planet! Lori, you are indeed blessed! I know those around you don't know this yet, but they will! Down deep, you sense it, too. Right? I'm so excited for you!"

Then follows my address, the date and the actual body of the letter. It gets better!

Dear Lori,

This is a personal letter just to you. Notice: this is not a mass mailing; this letter came to you by first-class mail, not by third-class bulk mail. This is not a solicitation for money. . . .

There has existed for many years an exclusive association, a secret society, of some of the world's most famous and powerful people. Here I begin hearing the character Howard Stokes from the movie O Brother, Where Art Thou? saying, "Naow, I buhlong to a soyt'n, secret, suh-si-uh-tee...) These include renowned actors and musicians, leading scientists and intellectuals, self-made entrepreneurs and artists, even some of the rare genuine astrologers and psychics. . . .

The association has analyzed your profile (you'd be unbelievably flattered if you knew who these individuals were). Please forgive us, but we've discovered something special about you.

It seems you, Lori, possess several rare traits we are searching for. Because of these traits, which we'll talk about later, you are eligible to become part of our exclusive club and to share our Greatest Kept Secrets, too, absolutely free. By the way, as you read this, you may be saying to yourself that this is all a bunch of hooey. How did they KNOW?!? But I swear on the Bible we will send you our Greatest Kept Secrets free of charge. I'm sure they will. Here is where I must interject that reassuring me by swearing on the Bible is probably not the best thing to do, especially since they've already told me that some members of this association are "astrologers" and "psychics". You see I actually do read and follow the Bible, I am a disciple of Christ, and I believe that it is wrong to consult astrologers and psychics. So, no. Not the best way to get to me. Anyway, to continue . . .

But I can shed light on how we found you by first telling you my own story: She then tells me how she was contacted like I was, was skeptical, but then after she accepted the association's invitation her luck changed. ...I even got a little greedy. For example, after I received my package of inside secrets, I won a lot when I gambled! I believe gambling is wrong. ...But it wasn't luck; the society's secrets armed me with the power to win.

Something else remarkable happened. With these secrets I actually knew what other people were thinking, as if I were reading their minds...

People respect me, admire me, love me. I have become the center of their attention...

...And yes, you are meant to do great things, exactly as we are going to show you.

How do we know? Be honest: have you ever felt like God or some higher power may be communicating with you, giving you a sign? If you answered yes, and we know you did, (!!!) then you are indeed that special person we are looking for...

Then she starts talking about hypnotism. I'm sorry, but I don't bare my mind for anyone. There's no telling who or what might put something in there while it's a "clean slate"!

Here's something else that's phenomenal. With the Association's secrets . . . you can read the future. . .

Consider another astonishing ability --- the power to cure. . . But Freud discovered these are powers buried within a handful of people with unique talents --- the talents this association has detected in you, Lori! ... She never did shed any light on how they found me.

Such miraculous abilities are what make a person believe, "There must exist another realm, a higher mystical realm, or how else can one explain these phenomena." Well, there does exist a realm that no one (outside of the association) (Ha Ha Ha!) can explain, . . .The association knows you have that other realm, Lori, (HA HA HA!)...

Now, this brings us to another important point. There's more?? When we analyzed your profile (the people who do this analyzing are brilliant, I just wish I could name a few names for you) we discovered something else about you, Lori. It seems you're about to enter cycle two. Oh no! Not Cycle Two! ...

...You're going to pass through this second cycle over the next few weeks, starting right about now. And here I thought it was the cold medicine!! ...

...Those of us here in the association are so looking forward to your presence, ...

So mail or fax back your free-membership invitation form below by this Friday, April 24, 2009 and we will share with you our Greatest Kept Secrets, totally free! And before long, you'll be ready to meet us....

It was signed with the handwritten signature "Katie", but the typed signature below it was "Kirsten".

And the really funny thing?

It was addressed to Lori Helmans.

I'm so disappointed in the secret association. They didn't even get my name right!